i think i found myself this weekend

i went home and just sat in my room. i pored over old letters from friends and newspaper clippings. i looked at all of the books on my bookshelves, from the one i used in an attempt to teach myself latin to much-loved novels to ones i read simply because i wanted to learn something new, to seek a broader understanding. i found bins full of art supplies i used to use to make things for friends. i found stacks of notecards and remembered how i used to always give cards to people, it was some kind of freak addiction. and then i found my music. no, not tapes or cds, but written music. and i pulled out my violin, and after a frustrating bout of tuning, i played. and i played. for about two hours, i played whatever i could get my hands on. strangely enough, even after two years of not touching the thing, i remembered it all. i can't explain what music does to me. it's an out-of-body experience, a road traveled, not merely a song heard. to listen to songs, there is such a powerful effect on every part of me- my heart beats fast, my mind is uncontrollably drawn into far-removed, fantastic realities. but to play. now that is something entirely different, a broad expansion of simply hearing notes. it becomes a part of me. nothing can interrupt that perfect harmony of musician and music, and in finding that flawless beauty in music, however flawed it may be played, i am at peace.

ok, back to reality. so, saturday, i helped diane set up for an event at Central Park, so i went for a nice little run (apparently i am a "nice distraction"... people are weird). basically, the rest of my weekend consisted of baking three turkeys and lots and lots of muffins. literally. baked all night. tis the season. then, church this morning and painting and cleaning and other odds and ends in east point. then back here. need to get a start on stuff for tomorrow. busy busy day. would really like to be home since family is already rollin' into town, but you can't have everything. should unload my car... in the rain... fun

The heart breaking makes a sound
I never knew could be
So beautiful and loud
Fury-filled and we collide

So courageous until now
Fumbling and scared
So afraid You'll find me out
Alone here with my doubt

Here it comes a beautiful collision
Is happening now
There seems no end to where you begin and where I end now
You and I, collide

...love that song :-)