thank you Jesus... I think I get it now

Confucius say, "Girl who has not been able to breathe for a week should not run 8 miles." So I ran 7. Not the brightest thing I've ever done, but it felt so good to finally get off my butt and get all of this stress and anxiety that has been building out of my system. I tell you what, if this past month hasn't turned me into a woman of prayer, I don't know what will! One more day... lots more prayer. But last night, I received yet another affirmation of the necessity of what I did, and today, my heart was encouraged so much...

I've been slowly getting my motivation back. If I'm really honest with myself, summer classes are what killed it for me, but I'd rather not admit to that since I'll be doing it again... As long as I have it back by next semester when it will really count, I'm good. I have a feeling the inevitable B or 2 will follow, but my GPA can stand it without any trouble, and I don't particularly care right now anyway- how sad is that?!

::happy sigh:: life is good, and God is good... what more could I ask for?

huh, haven't heard this song in awhile... I love it...

speak
and say the words that no one else will ever say
love
love like the world we know is over in a day

i'm gonna show you love in every language
i'm gonna speak with words that need no form
i'm gonna give you what you never had before

and you're beautiful
and i am weakened by the force of your eyes
so shine bright
to separate the truth from the lies
i'm gonna show you love

so tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect
no, i won't regret to let love do what love will let
and you can drown in mixed emotions and walk across an angry sea
this is the cost of being free

and now, I am off to the grocery store, because we cannot get through a week without going at least three times, and then I will drive... somewhere... and then I will go to revival... and then I may stop by the ultimate frisbee game... and then I will go to Blackbird... and then I will go to bed (ha, we'll see about that...)

sitting in the office... listening to the train roll through town... suddenly feel compelled to grab a blanket, a cup of tea, and just sit on the front porch and take in the beautifully cool evening...

i had the most wonderful day today, and you may ask, why?... sometimes the pure simplicity of life is breathtakingly refreshing... i love that... i love how just spending time with good friends can be so uplifting, so obviously a gift from God... i wonder why people don't realize that they have been blessed... i know i'm guilty of missing it at times, but those times when it is so blatantly clear that God has been at work, those are the moments that i treasure... it seems that i have become a sentimental fool overnight... i love that too :-) i feel as though i know the end of the story, and i'm just waiting to reach the parts i remember... the familiarity is so close, i can almost feel it, even though on the surface, it appears more distant than ever...

ever look at the choices people make and wonder... why?... just gotta love 'em anyways...

i know anger is not a sin, but i don't like it... i take it back... seems so counter-productive... just wish i could go back to a few months ago and the satisfied, content state that i was in and just stay there... maybe that's what God was trying to teach me... maybe i'll never know...

For every beauty, there is an eye somewhere to see it.
For every truth, there is an ear somewhere to hear it.
For every love, there is a heart somewhere to receive it.
-Ivan Panin

i'm sick... i do not like being sick... i feel like poo...

slept on Gretchen's couch, because we watched a scary movie, and i think we'll both need years of therapy to recover from that... did not sleep well... i think my chest is caving in... sounds rather unattractive :-( had a funny dream... well, it wasn't funny, it was wonderful, but so improbable that it's hilarious... would be nice if it was true... but my track record with dreams lately is pretty rotten... makes me sad :-( and still confused... and anxious... and sad... really wishing next weekend was here so it would just be over with... tired of waiting... i need Jesus time...

was really looking forward to running this morning... the alarm definitely didn't go off... probably a good thing... couldn't breathe just laying there, what makes me think I could've done 8 this morning?... i'm kinda dumb...

trying to register for classes... if this doesn't go through, i may cry...

had a good weekend... no productivity at all... drove to Lenox just because... asserting my independence, as if I really needed to do that in the first place... found lots of pretty stuff... bought none of it... just needed "me" time... did a lot of good, although from the tone of this, you probably couldn't tell... cut me a break... I'll be better in a few hours...

want to go to the mountains now... just need to get away from here and everything it reminds me of... weird, when i return, it's like coming home... go figure...

organic and biological pollution didn't go through... i may cry... gotta get a hold of those professors... so much for my sick day... maybe later... feeling feverish... need to lay down... goodnight, moon...

on a lighter (um...?) note, a volcano on the Galapagos is erupting, and in my congested fog, i think that was the one we hiked... fun

She sits in the back seat.
It's like her face has transparency
Because we can all see exactly what she's thinking
And we all know she misses him
And we all know she's wondering
Just how things might have been
If she hadn't started noticing...

...shouldn't have listened to that cd today... managed to put myself into quite a mood... not good, not bad, just unusual... today did not start out good... had to take two drives in one day to make it to the end, but now I actually have time to just sit and spend time with my Jesus before church, and that's just what I need...

on a lighter note, only five more hours of the stinkin' K-Roger left forever :-D

Sittin' in the office waiting for fifteen pizzas to be delivered to our incredibly charitable building... thinkin' about all of the stuff that I should be doing and feeling inclined to do......nothin'. Obviously.

I miss my friends hard-core. And it's not even like I haven't seen them lately... I'm just really needing some time to just escape, ya know? Like, right now, and wouldn't ya know, I'm on duty. It amazes me how our lives are changing so rapidly. In one year, every single one of my closest friends will be graduating (or graduated)... moving on to grad school (or still being in Milly for grad school... didn't see that one coming) or out in the big bad world.

Printing out my graduation application... wondering if teaching is really what God wants me to do... trying really hard not to doubt... too many changes happening at once for my little brain to handle... trying not to be overwhelmed by it all... trying to trust...

So last week was nuts. But I got to spend time with a friend that I've really missed a lot. It amazes me how we went so long without talking to each other, but we just picked up right where we left off... and after several hours, we were sufficiently caught up on all of the life-altering changes that we'd missed out on. I hate being so busy that I don't have time for the things and people I care about most. I'm in the process of rearranging my life (yet again) to get all of my priorities straight, and so far, so good. Down to one job... manageable amount of classes... and just trying to stay motivated. That ought to do it. Road trip next month- really looking forward to that! Possible December road trip (or I may just fly outa this town!). Don't get me wrong, Milledgeville is growing on me so much, it's kinda scary (on so many levels... long story...), but I really need to get out of here... very out of here, like hours and hours away, just remind myself how much is out there. And then I can come back to my cozy little corner of civilization. Oh yeah, but back to last week... I actually remembered how to be productive... at the expense of a lot of sleep... which put me into the weekend in a serious deficit... last thing I needed...

So River of Life weekend has always been emotionally trying for me- must just be the time of year, but every single one has been an ordeal- I hate that! I just want a normal "let's serve and praise Jesus" weekend, is that so much to ask?! The first one was a good kind of ordeal (well, it seemed that way at the time), the second one was the same scenario exactly, but a really bad kind of ordeal, and this one was just, I don't know. And you know what?! I really would've loved it if there weren't four different things happening on the same day- I really just wanted to work the whole day... oh wait, that happened last year too! But anyways, the weekend ended on a really high note- or at least I let Jesus get a hold of my attitude and make me happy :-)

There are a lot of things going on that I just don't understand. It seems like God is changing every single part of my life. Oh wait, it doesn't just seem that way... that's exactly what He's doing. But in spite of all of that, He's guided me in what to do with all of these situations... hard to explain... I don't know why I'm going where I'm going, but I'm certain that the path I'm on is the one He wants me to take. The end.

"We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing, then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness, as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back, and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say- "Oh, who am I?" We have to learn the first great stride of God- "I AM THAT I AM hath sent thee."

"A friend loves at all times."

"Let Him have His way; if you do not, instead of being of the slightest use to God in His Redemptive work in the world, you will be a hindrance and a clog... Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son... If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." (wow...)

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."

"Don't keep your thoughts locked behind your cellar door all shrouded in a mystery. Just let them out, that's what friends are for, to give without giving the third degree; no need to be ashamed, I've been thru' it just the same. So when your path misleads, know that you can call on me."

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

"This is all I'm dreaming of... to live completely in Your love"

...

Slowly but surely, I'm beginning to get it :-) But I'm still scared :-O ::sigh:: I don't think he could ever really understand, but it's not something I can worry about... one of those times when I'd rather just walk away and not look back, but then what would I do with this burden I have on my heart?...

Ack, was going to update, except I've got 5.5 hours to sleep if I get started right now! But just so you know, Jesus is totally rockin' my world, and I love it!

I had the weirdest weekend ever... oh my goodness... so we're (I'm...) starting to cook dinner on Friday night for the girls, and Kristin pitches a holy terror fit because Josh Gracin was going to be in concert this Friday, not next Friday. Just to put this in perspective, she's missed the last four years of her favorite concerts at the fair, and we hear about each one of those at least twice a day or at least that's what it seems like. So, I jokingly say, "...so let's go..." to which she responds "REALLY?!" to which I respond inwardly "dear Jesus, what have I gotten myself into" and outwardly, "sure, why not?" So Jessica and I find ourselves at a country concert... and we love country... but it was cool, because I like one of his songs (it would be a sappy love song... just what I needed...) and we also got to see some people I haven't seen in awhile. And we got Starbucks. And life was good. It was weird, because Cumming feels different- I tell you what, it's changed a whole lot since I was home last! It's crazy! And more and more, it just doesn't feel like home, or at least the kind of home it used to feel like. But anyways, got back to Milly around 3, bed to 4, slept in till 10, and begin a really awful Saturday, but that's ok- mostly just because of my own bad attitude, although, I must say, I had some pretty good reasons to have a bad attitude. Ended up driving to Atlanta again. Came back after dinner in, gosh, I don't even know exactly where we were, had a good hard core cry on 75 on the way home... crying plus headlights equals not good, but I got it all out of my system, so it's all ok :-) But... the story gets better! Church this morning was amazing! Heather sang...

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

and that is one of my favorite songs ever, sung by one of my favorite people ever! The sermon was... How to Respond to People Who Hurt You... was that God thing or what?! I was so fired up afterwards, I couldn't even stand it! I just have such a peace about the whole situation. I know what I'm supposed to do now, and the world tells me I should be angry, I should be upset, I should do a lot of things, but I'm so filled with Christ, there isn't room for any of that! And then, tonight, the most unexpected phone call of my life! Ok, maybe not that unexpected, but I was pretty much shocked beyond all reason. And now I'm back to just being confused- I should probably just succumb to the fact that I will never leave that state of mind... That's alright though, the one thing that matters is that I know I'm supposed to be here- no confusion there! Well, I've sufficiently wasted my time here... time to sleep...

Wow, so just for the record, I'm not borderline angry anymore... borderline crazy from speculation and over-thinking, but not angry. Was going to try to hash things out tonight, but I don't think I'm supposed to. Oswald Chambers had his usual words of wisdom for my day, and he said something about seeing the vision but just not being there yet... and then I remembered... something I was told, that I'm not really sure if I should believe right now, but I'm going to believe it just because... "I don't want you to worry"... so I won't. Or I'll try not to... really hard... I'll wait till this weekend, it'll be much easier to just talk face-to-face, and I'm really looking forward to it! At least I'll have answers... I may not like them, but I'll have them. And we have Bible study afterwards, which will be amazing! And now I have to run!

Begin midterms week. Yay, I love midterms... I just have three, one each on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. So I've decided that I'm not going to miss a single class this week, isn't that exciting?! No skipping for Erin this week! I'm turning over a new leaf!

Being content with singleness is sounding better and better as these few weeks progress... I'm pretty, how shall I say it, irritated. Nope, that just doesn't quite capture it, I'm borderline angry, and that's saying a lot. Every girl wants to be pursued, right? This is a pretty widely-held, well-known concept, so how come guys have such a difficult time with this?! I'm beginning to feel like things just aren't as they seemed at first... deceived, maybe? I just don't know.

Having a salad week... feel like a beached whale... so apparently I'm a really hard-core emotional eater, and last week was way too emotional for someone like me. Weird, I haven't really felt emotion for awhile... I don't think I actually started to feel anything before about four weeks ago... hmm... moving right along...

Yay for October and pending cool weather! Yay for all of the fun things I get to do in October! Yay for Jesus, who is the only reason I got through last week! ::happy sigh::

is this a test?...