oh wow, so the past couple o' days, eh, maybe the past couple o' weeks... who am i kidding?! the past few months have been the biggest growing experience of my life. i don't have much time to write now, but let me just say that if you haven't surrendered your life to Christ, and i mean really surrendered, you're missing out. i thought i had given it all away before, but i didn't understand fully what that meant. it means not worrying about tomorrow. it means not making plans. it means trusting, obeying, submitting. and that's all great to say, but to put it into practice has taken me up until this point to at least realize i don't fully get it, and i am confident that i will have to spend the rest of my life seeking this, daily laying my life at His feet. in a sense, by not getting it, i actually get it. all that has happened, all that i have struggled with and through has led me to this point of complete abandon to my Savior. i am filled with peace, but i can't lie- parts of me are scared. maybe an excited kind of scared though.

how many of us really believe that God has big plans for our lives? we say it all of the time. "oh, i'm so sorry you're going through this, but God has amazing plans for your life." i'm ashamed to say it, but such a true statement does not always give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside. but i think i'm coming to believe that this invisible box, this cage of mediocrity is actually something that i can, will, and am in the process of breaking free of, literally fleeing from. the path i always envisioned myself walking down is just that- something i envisioned. and after all of the pain and heartache of growth, He has chosen to reveal a small piece of my new path, the path He has chosen for me. to put it mildly, i'm beyond excited!

it's amazing to me how everything is starting to make sense. "God, i know You have a purpose in all of this, but i just don't understand! i don't know." those of you who have talked to me at all in the past six months know that "i don't know" has become my answer to everything. well, now i know, at least part of the story, but i like surprises, and with this path, i think i'm going to have to get used to surprises.